Its Time to Grieve

So that we can find a way forward

I'm really sad right now. Apathy-inducing, soul-crushing, sadness. It turns out that my wife, Melissa, is as well. We certainly have reason to be – she's out of work, my job is stressful, & financial decisions feel fraught. But it's more than that. I'm worried about my friends who are struggling just as much as I am. Obviously, fascism is THE factor. I don't know a person who isn't stressed out or doesn't harbor deep fears about the future.

A few weeks back, I had an email chat with a friend, and she mentioned how sad she was about it all. At the time, it made sense, but I didn't really take in that reality – I didn't stare it cold in the face. I think we are all sad, and I'm sure you are all thinking "no shit, Sherlock" at that statement.

I can't speak for everyone, but I've come to understand I am in mourning. And the more I dwell on that, the more I see all the stages of grief in everyone I know. I know people in denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & a few in acceptance.

What am I in mourning about, though? I think it's the idea of what we used to represent as a country that has entirely been washed away. Listen, as a trans and queer woman, I know this country is not a kind or fair place. I know that it is full of inequity and ugliness. I know that, as harsh as it has been to me, I'm still doing better than most because I am white. I'm talking about the promise that we would keep moving forward, that we could continue to improve, and that in the end, we could, at the very least, agree that advancing freedom and resolving inequity was a worthy cause.

Now I'm sure you've rolled your eyes at that. But that's who I am. I am an optimist, a pragmatic one, yes, but an optimist who is very willing to put in the hard work. I believe deeply in the kind hope that Harris and Walz exhibited. I will always be the cheerleader willing to be the base of the pyramid. I am a "yes and" type of person to my core.

And I am grieving the loss of that person, the loss of what drives me forward. And the loss of the flawed but bright vision of what we could reach for and become.

I suspect you are too, perhaps in different words, or in various ways. I believe the collapse of our individual ideas and hopes for the US is why we are all struggling to work together against fascism. It's why we can't pull towards a common goal. We are all holding onto our own ideals that no longer exist. It's why we are at each other's throats, why we feel directionless, why we cannot agree on basic principles. Mourning has a unique ability to isolate each of us in our own pain and see daggers at every turn.

We have to get to acceptance. We must understand that we have to chart an entirely new course forward because there is no other option left to us. We need to move beyond the "family squabble" of lashing out at others. But we also have to acknowledge that the sacrifice of any smaller part of the whole will only ever be a mortal wound we've self-inflicted. We must recognize the pain inflicted on the few while the many benefited. We must resist the lure of finding a Democrat demagogue because we cannot rebuild anything good based on false premises and populist vibes. If we take that route, we'll be back here in a very short amount of time.

That's the work we need to be about - acceptance, resolve, resilience, community, and actual coalition building, because anything else leads to the worst of all outcomes – fascism that sticks around for a good long time.

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